


Coming up for Air

by LunaDelVille



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Panic Attacks, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-05-10
Packaged: 2020-02-29 06:15:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaDelVille/pseuds/LunaDelVille
Summary: The petals came around the second week, blossoming inside of him as proof of the love he felt. They were carnations, beautiful and purple. According to J.A.R.V.I.S, they symbolized true love and surrender.





	Coming up for Air

**Author's Note:**

> This one got me crying, for real. But is important to say that if panic attacks and blood mentions aren't your things, you should skip it.  
> Most of the fics I read about hanahaki have a somewhat complacent Steve, and even though I love those, I wanted him to have a more active role on this one.  
> As a side note, there are mistakes in here, English isn't my native language, but I do try.

There were legends surrounding the hanahaki disease. In the western world, the most common one surrounded Flora, the goddess of flowers and her heartbreak. Blinded by rage and anger, she condemned all of mankind on a whim, those who experienced unrequited love would have thorns around their lungs, roots where veins lied, and flower petals in their hearts. Other legends were about the consequences of a murder, and others were about soulmates bounded together through the petals.

A few years ago, Tony would’ve laughed at the ridiculousness of it all, would brush it off to some simple misconception and move on with his day. He was smarter than that now, he knew better.

The first time his chest ached violently, Steve was making the team pancakes. He looked beautiful like that, with the hair falling down his forehead, the blue of his eyes as he laughed at something Clint had said. Tony felt his chest tightened at the sigh, a vice-like grip around his heart. It was unsettling, but Tony had let it slide. 

“You okay, Tony?”

And Steve noticed because of course, he did. Sometimes, Steve would fret over the strangest things and he couldn’t possibly understand why. So, instead of telling him the truth, he chose the other alternative. He was always better at lying, anyway.

“I’m peachy, Cap”

Steve still looked somewhat worried, but he let that one slid, which Tony could only appreciate. After breakfast, he went to the workshop, fully aware of the person he was going to find inside of it. If someone told him, three years ago, that he’d grow to appreciate Steve’s company while he worked, he’d have laughed it off. But now he did appreciate it, he loved having him there, loved when Steve played with his bot’s or when he took his pencils and started to draw.

As he predicted, Steve was already there once he got to the workshop. He wore a bland white T-shirt and black jeans, his hair was perfectly combed, and Tony’s hand itched with the desire to mess with the strands of hair.

Something heavy lodged around his chest yet again, heavier than the last time around. It didn’t feel right, and somehow, it was even worse than when he got hit by the shrapnel. Steve looked up, a small smile playing on his lips, it was honest and so damn kind, and it made the ache spread farther way than what he thought possible.

“What are you working on, today?”

That was one of the many things Tony loved about Steve, and there was a whole lot of them. He cared, genuinely, about what the answer was going to be. Most people around Tony wouldn’t hear past the five first minutes of his rants, would block him out like white noise, but not Steve, he actually listened to it as if it what Tony was saying was actually interesting.

Tony started rambling about this new gadget he wanted to play with and about the arrows he was going to make for Clint. 

When Tony stopped talking, Steve smiled - that one smile Tony has learned to categorize as “I’m proud of you” and his chest constricted again. 

“This sounds amazing, Tony”. 

“Well, I’m amazing so…” he brushed it off, using his egotistical persona just so he could pretend that Steve’s remark made his chest swell with fondness and love.

Steve simply rolled his eyes, as he’d usually do whenever Tony would talk highly of himself and kept on drawing. As silence filled the room, the genius kept on doing his work diligently. There were many things he should be focusing on instead of his feelings towards his best friend. 

He wasn’t sure when they started; if it around movie nights with the Avengers, or when Steve would smile bashfully at Tony’s antics, couldn’t pinpoint if it was when Steve took him to MoMa or when they both ate at Martinelli’s, laughing at each other. But somewhere along the way, what started off as a simple relationship blossomed into one of the most precious things Tony had. 

His feelings for Steve were like blazing wildfire, terrifying and yet, magnificent. They were his solid ground, but also the reason why his legs trembled. He couldn’t possibly understand how something that ached so badly didn’t leave any marks at all. 

That tight feeling around his ribcages was back with a vengeance, twisted and agonizing. He bent on the desk, trying to regain his composure. 

“Steve, I just got a message from Pepper” he lied, easily: “I need to leave”

There was a frown in Steve’s face, and Tony put on his best smile on an attempt to sell his lie. The other man simply stood, taking his sketchbook and nodding.

“Kay… Come back to dinner, I’m making lasagna” he smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes like it used to which only made Tony feel worse, he didn’t want to be the reason why his best friend put on a fake smile. He was going to fix this, somehow. He always did.

“I’ll see you in a few hours”. 

“Don’t get yourself killed while you’re gone” Steve mocked.

“I won’t”.

Little Tony knew that wasn’t a promise he’d be able to keep.

—

It was already dark outside when Tony decided to come home. Once he got into the tower, he was welcomed with the sight of his team helping themselves with the lasagna Steve had made. 

“Hey, look who is back!” Clint called out once he saw him. “Cap was already calling SHIELD to look for you”. Steve’s head snapped once he heard Clint’s joke, and he sent him a glare capable of scaring even Natasha off. Speaking off…

“Where is Natasha?”  
“She’s training baby spider, they’ll come in a sec”

Natasha got along great with Peter, they bonded over their love for ballet and spider, it was freaky but cute at the same time. But truth be told, he was happy for them both. He was happy for all the people around him.

Thor and Bruce were glued to the hip, Clint and Natasha had that weird relationship he couldn’t name but that was always genuine and caring, Peter was always around as well, and he already had his own room at the tower. And Steve… Well, Steve was one of his closest friends, Steve was his everything, and he’d hold onto him until the ends of the Earth.

“Wow, that lasagna looks amazing!” Peter said bouncing towards one of the plates, and for someone who was sparring with Natasha, he still had pent up energy. “Hey, Mr. Stark! How was your day?”

“Uneventful”.

“Okay, let’s have dinner because Grey’s Anatomy is starting in one hour, and I’ll kill all of if I miss it”. Bruce threatened, stabbing his food with fervor. He had a weird thing for that show, it was crazy.

“Call me crazy but a bunch of doctors making out with each other and dying isn’t much fun”.

Bruce glared at him, in a clear sign for him to stop. See? Weird.

Tony ate his food quietly, still feeling that weird thing around his lungs. It was getting slightly worse, and he knew he’d have to improve his acting skills if he didn’t want people to notice. It was probably just some stupid cold.

“So, Steve… How was your date with that girl Tasha was talking about?”

Tony almost chocked when he heard what Peter had said. Steve looked extremely uncomfortable and Tony wished he could be anywhere else. Objectively, he knew that it was bound to happen, knew that Steve would find someone, eventually, he just… He never thought it would be right now. Tony always thought he’d be ready for that day, that he’d be able to face it head on when Steve found someone, but apparently, he was wrong about that too. He had been wrong about a lot of things, lately.

“I never went,” was the only answer he offered. “Natasha just won’t stop meddling in my life, that’s all”.

“I just want you to be happy, that’s all,”. Her voice was gentle, caring. Natasha had a rough exterior, but she was a good friend to those around her, it was one of the many things he admired on her.

“I am happy,” he looked earnest and sincere when he said it: “I am happy here”.

Tony truly hoped so, because Steve had lost everyone he cared for when he spent decades in a comatose state because if there was anyone that deserved happiness, that person was Steve Rogers. Tony could only do much, but he’d build a time machine if he thought he could give Steve back his home, his Peggy. He’d do anything if he thought it’d have made Steve happy.

He knew that he didn’t have much to offer, knew that Steve deserved much, much better than him, which was why he never did anything about his feelings. Steve didn’t need them, and he certainly deserved better than a broken man with a corrupted past. Steve was like a river with clean water, and Tony couldn’t risk washing his hands filled blood in it. He just couldn’t.

“Would you go back, if you could?” Tony knew he was getting personal, knew he might be overstepping, but he needed to know, because if the answer were yes, he wasn’t going to stop until he found a way to send Steve back to the past, even it destroyed him in the end.

“No, I wouldn’t,” and again, he wasn’t lying. “I miss my friends, I always will… But I can’t imagine my life anywhere else… This is my home, now, Tony”.

“But Peggy was the love of your life, Steve!” And why the hell was he debating over this? Steve was telling what he wanted to hear, so why couldn’t he simply let go?

“She never was the love of my life, Tony” the answer was short but certain. “I loved her, I did… A part of me still does… But I know for a fact that we weren’t meant to be”. Tony could’ve sworn he was missing some key information but decided it was time for him to shut the hell up.

He loved Steve, loved him with everything he had, and he knew he would never be loved back.

That was when the damn broke, and when the grip around his heart became too much to bear.

—

Out of all the things Tony thought could kill him, he never expected that unrequited love would be his demise. 

“You’re telling me I have hanahaki? “ He asked to Strange, who still seemed calm after delivering the news. 

“Yes, the spell I used can find the magic around the illness, something no other medical apparatus is capable of, yet” he explained, calmly: “There are roots growing inside your sternum, they will reach the mediastinum in no time”

“What happens when they do?”

“They will start to bloom, feeding off your love, they will kill eventually.”

“Can you take it off?”

“There’s a surgery,” and Tony knew there was a but coming. “However, if I take off the roots, I’ll be eliminating all the feeling you have for the person, friendship, care, fondness, they will be gone”

 

“Absolutely not”. He said, putting a protective hand over his heart. He couldn’t just take off his feelings for Steve, couldn’t just give them up. What would be of him without them? He would lose everything he holds dear, and there was no way he’d go through with something like this. 

“This thing you kill you, Stark!” Strange argued, impatience. “There will be no du-overs, to take backs, it will rip you apart from the inside”

“You think I don’t know that?!” He shouted, trying to keep himself steady. “You think I don’t know what’s stake here? I do, okay?”

“You can tell them, Tony,” he took a short breath: “If they feel the same, the disease will stop”.

But Tony knew better, he knew there wasn’t a world where Steve would ever feel the same. Knew there wasn’t a single timeline or Universe where he’d ever love someone like Tony Stark. 

Steve, who was kind to a fault, who could make anyone laugh, who cared so, oh so deeply, about all those around him… If he ever told Steve, he would be condemning his best friend to a lifetime of guilt. He wasn’t going to be the cause of Steve’s misery.

“He doesn’t,” he laughed, something bitter and angry: “He doesn’t feel like that, Strange”. 

Stephen was going to say something else, probably trying to argue with him, but Tony has had enough. Without uttering another word, he took off.

Tony was going to die. And this time, there was no stopping it.

—

He debated over what he should tell the team, wasn’t sure what lie he could come up with to cover up his coughing fits, the blood and the petals that would soon follow.

He decided to spill the beans after movie night. Thor and Bruce were cuddled against each other, Peter had his head on his knees, Clint was eating popcorn like it was his last mean on Earth while Natasha watched the movie intently, Steve was closed to him, and Tony was bundled up in the blankets like a burrito.

After the movie was over, Tony set still wrapped around the blankets, with just his head out. 

“I need you to tell you guys something”.

All of them looked at Tony at the same time, different expressions on their faces. Tony took a deep breath, considering not saying anything at all. But, that wasn’t fair to any of them, he didn’t want any of them to find him dead in some dark place with no idea of what had happened.

“Hum… I’m sick” he said, voice kind of uneven. Steve looked at him kind of confused.

“You are? Why didn’t you told us so? C’mon, I’ll take you upstairs and make you some tea.”

Tony wanted to cry, wanted Steve to love him. Please love me, love like I love you. Please, please, please.

“No… Steve, I don’t mean it like that” he took his best friend without even thinking about it, finding the courage he needed in that simple touch. “I mean that I…”

“He means he’s dying” Bruce uttered the words almost as if they’d wronged him personally. “Is that what you mean, Tony?”

“I… Yeah”

Natasha was staring him in a way he has never seen before, with sadness and concern. She got up without saying a word, being followed by Clint who ran towards her. Peter was gaping - like a goldfish -, clearly confused. Tony could see the moment he finally understood, could see the flicker of light in his dying a slow death. Bruce wasn’t even looking at him, too busy staring at some point in space, hands clenched.

“You’re not dying, Tony,” Steve said, backing away from him with a look on his face that Tony couldn’t describe. “You’re… You’re perfect, you’re healthy! How can you be dying if you’re standing here?

“Steve…”

“No! It doesn’t… It doesn’t make any fucking sense, Tony” he whispered. “It doesn’t make sense, so please tell me this is some sick joke, that this is a SHIELD training because I… “ and now he was gasping, clutching his chest, trying to find something to lean on. Tony and Bruce supported him, and his heart broke as he watched Steve gasp for air.

“Steve, you’re safe… You’re having a panic attack, right now,” he whispered, in a soothing voice. Steve’s body was trembling against him, shaking with violence. “You’re safe, you’re safe” he repeated the words like a mantra.

“Please, please tell me this is a lie, please Tony”

“I can’t, Steve”

He couldn’t. Not this time

—

Most days, Tony would feel like he was drowning. He tried to catch his breath, but sometimes it felt like there was water in his lungs. 

How could he wait to breath deep? He wasn’t sure anymore.

Sometimes, he’d feel the roots tightening around his heart, his lungs, like parasites. He hated the feeling, hated being reminded of the days in Afghanistan and how they would torture him with water. 

But he had learned to live with it, just like he had learned to live with the arc reactor. 

The petals came around the second week, blossoming inside of him as proof of the love he felt. They were carnations, beautiful and purple. According to J.A.R.V.I.S, they symbolized true love and surrender. Tony tried his best to keep them from the team.

He couldn’t catch his breath.

Natasha seemed angrier than usual, always sharpening her knives like that would make things any better. Bruce wouldn’t leave his lab, no matter how hard anyone tried to get him out of there. He even told Thor to leave, Thor! Thor seemed a bit off as well, not his usual happy self. Peter didn’t show up after that night, always coming up with one excuse of the other. 

And Steve… Steve kept working out on the gym, the enhanced punching bags didn’t stand a chance against him. He kept quiet, most of the time, stopped drawing and his hair seemed longer, unkept. He looked a mess. Tony hated it to be the reason for all of that.

One day, he decided that if he was going to die then it’d be on his own terms. He made a will and gave his layers instructions of what do to after his death. He updated J.A.R.V.I.S, making sure to add new parameters so that his A.I could take care of his team for him. 

After that, he started to spend more time with all of them. He helped Bruce with his projects, took Thor sightseeing, went with Clint to watch Detective Pikachu - Clint would never admit it, but Tony knew he was a sucker for all things cute -. He helped Natasha bake, bought hundreds of shoes to Pepper and went to a thousand different dinners with Rhodey and Peter. 

But Steve… Steve was a different story altogether. Unlike Tony, he just couldn’t seem to accept it. He was in touch with Xavier and some other people he has met, but always came back empty-handed and even more frustrated than before. 

“Steve, I already told you there’s nothing you can do”. He just wanted to spend time with him, just wanted to pretend Steve could ever love him back. Please love me, please love me like I love you. Please, please, please. 

“I’m not giving up!” Steve actually screamed, eyes full of fury. “Don’t you dare ask me to give up!”

“Steve… I have tried everything, okay? Why you can’t just let it go?”

“You don’t get to ask me that!” Tony had thought of him countless times, but he has never seen the other man that angry before. “You’re not the one who’s about to lose another person they care for, okay? So don’t fucking dare, Tony!” he left without another world.

He couldn’t catch his breath.

His coughs were getting worse, and people around him started to noticed it. Natasha, because she was Natasha, was the first one that realizes that he wasn’t telling the whole truth.

“What are you hiding, Tony?” She asked, without preamble. Tony should’ve seen this coming, honestly. Natasha wasn’t stupid, none of them were.

“Nothing!” he squeaked. 

She shoved him against the wall, making him wince.

“Stop lying” she snarled. “You’re hiding something, I know you are! What is it? Can it save you?”

He kept quiet, and she pushed him again, even angrier than before.

“Answer, dammit!”

“There’s nothing I can do, Natasha!” He shouted: “Okay, nothing! Nada! Zilch! Please, just let it go, I’m begging you”.

“You’re going to get yourself killed”. She said. “I’ll find out what you’re hiding Stark, even if it’s the last thing I do”.

He couldn’t catch his breath.

—

There was blood everywhere, flower petals mixed with blood on the white floor tiles as he coughed them out. 

Most days, he felt like he was drowning in his own blood. The thorns were tearing him apart, killing him slowly. The petals were a constant reminder of what he was dying for. 

Sometimes he’d feel the instinct to close his mouth, to not let any air in until he could pass out just so the pain would stop. Those were the worst moments, the darkest of them.

Someone walked inside the workshop, and Tony knew right away it was Steve. He was the only person besides Rhodey that had the access code. 

“Who is it?” he sounded broken, but resolute at the same time. 

“What?”

“Who is the person who wouldn’t love you back?” his voice was loud, beseeching. He seemed desperate and tired. There were bags under his eyes, his hair looked a mess, he had a beard covering half of his face. 

“How do you know that?”  
He couldn’t know that! That wasn’t part of the fucking plan!

“Strange told me about it, but he wouldn’t say who it was, now I’m asking you one more time, who is it?”

“It doesn’t matter who it is, Steve… There’s no way to fix it”

“He told about the surgery, why haven’t you done it?”

“I’d lose all my feelings, Steve,” my feelings for you. “I can’t… I can’t lose them”.

“This is going to kill you, Tony!” He seemed really out it, angrier than Tony has ever seen him before. “Whoever this person is,” he spilled the word with disgust “they aren’t worth your life!”

You’re worth everything to me. Tony wanted to say but didn’t. Please love me, please love me like I love you, please, please, please. 

He couldn’t breathe, the air seemed rarefied in his lungs. How long could he wait to breathe?

“They mean the world to me”

“What about me?” Tony blinked back the tears, trying hard not to think about the irony of it all. This was all about Steve, it was always Steve. “Do you even factor me at all, Tony? Do you even think about me?”

“I am thinking about you!”

Tony never expected Steve to be angry. He expected him to be sad, to be heartbroken, but never this angry. 

“It doesn’t feel like it” he whispers the words and doesn’t see how Tony flinches as he hears them. 

He can’t catch his breath.

—

One breath.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Tony was coughing them up every time he looked at Steve, every time he would see the heartbreak in his eyes. He wasn’t sure what pained him more, the thorns around his pulmonary vein, around his lungs. Breathing seemed impossible, but the utter hurt in Steve’s eyes seemed to cut him deeper, somehow.

He never meant for any of this to happen, never meant to fall in love, to want this so badly it would kill him, but the damage was already done. He couldn’t go back now.

The love he felt for Steve left a mark of blood and carnations.

His condition has gotten worst after his fight with Steve. Some days, he could barely get up of bed, he didn’t want to either. 

Steve barged in again, looking like he was about to take down the whole HYDRA.

“I can love you for them, Tony”. Tony blinked, confused. “I know… God, I know I’m not what you want, I know that, but Tony you… You are everything to me, and that person might not love you, but I do, Tony! I can love you for him, I can save you, please!”

“You… What?”

“I know it’s about unrequited love, I realize that… But my love has to be enough! It has to because I can’t -,” he stopped again. “I love you, Tony”.

And that was love felt like, then…

Like coming up for air.


End file.
